Tips On Being A Healthy Ninja

1.Ray can't fit in my doorway!!
2.I work at UPS.
3.1 must study the ways of Nicolas Cage in The Sorcerers Apprentice.
4.Get up,go out,me,and all my friends.Drink up,fall down,and we do it all again!!Just sittin' around,hangin' out this afternoon.
5.Hey,you guys!
6.I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,sayin' AYO,gotta let go.I want to celebrate,and live my life,sayin' AYO,baby let go!
7.I want to be a billionaire,so frickin' bad.Buy all of the things I never had.
8.We're goin' out tonight,to see the southeren lights,take everything we want,drink everything in sight.We're goin' till the world stops turnin' while the world stops turnin' while the we burn it to the ground tonight.
9.All the right friends in all the right places,so yeah,we're going down.
10.Tell me what you want to hear,I'm going to give all my secrets away.
11.I am in misery.
12.Run through the halls screaming.
13.Don't get caught by that nasty pirate...Arrg!
14.Ninja stars are NOT toys.I don't want to remove another 1 from my butt.
15.If you can't spell ninja,then you can't be one.n....i.....j....a....
16.Knowing history is irrelevent.Samurais are from China.

Things To Do On the 1st Day of School

Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the teacher makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right,old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs.Every few minutes,ask the teacher to focus the overhead projector.
Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front,and color in your textbook.
When the teacher calls your name in roll,respond, "that's my name,don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute.
Give the teacher a copy of The Watchtower.Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs.Every few minutes,ask the teacher to speak louder.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the teacher strange looks.In the middle of lecture,tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the 1st chapter will be on the test.If the teacher says no,rip the pages out of your book.
Become entranced with your physics lecture,and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
When the teacher calls roll,after each name scream "THAT'S ME!Oh,no,sorry."
Insist in a southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li.If you actually are chinese,insist that your name's Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture,and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas.Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY.
Inform the class that you're Belgian royalty,and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name's spoken.
Stare continually at the teachers crotch.Occassionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as "your excellency."
Sit in the front,sniff suspiciously,and ask the teacher if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror,and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask,Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?Become aggitated when the teacher can't understand you.
Relive your junior high days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkbord erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.
Start a "mexican wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ask to introduce your invisible friend in the empty seat beside you,and ask for 1 extra copy of each handout.
When the teacher turns on his laser pointer,scream "AGH!MY EYES!"
Correct the teacher at least 10x on the pronunciation of your name,even if it's Smith.Claim that the 'i' is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the teachers graduate thesis and snickering.
As soon as the 1st bell rings,volunteer to put a problem on the board.Ignore the teachers reply and proceed to do so anyway.
Claim that you wrote the class text book.
Claim to be the teaching assistant.If the real 1 objects,jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
Every few minutes,take a sheet of notebook paper,write signup sheet at the top,and start passing it around the room.
Stand to ask questions.Bow deeply before taking your seat after the teacher answers.
Wear a cape with a big S on it.Inform classmates that the S stands for stud.
Interrupt every few minutes to ask the teacher, "can you spell that?"
Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring.Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.Repeat.
Wink at the professor every few minutes.
In the middle of lecture,ask your teacher whether he believes in ghosts.
Laugh heartily at everything the teacher says.Snort when you laugh.
Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
Ask your math teacher to pull the roll chart above the blakboard of ancient greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

Dads' Rules

Rule 1:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,because you're not picking anything up.
Rule 2:Don't touch my daughter in front of me.You may glance at her so long as you don't peer at anything below her neck.If you can't keep your eyes or hands off my daughters' body.I will remove them.
Rule 3:I'm aware that it's considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hops.Please don't take this as an insult,but you,and all your friends are complete idiots.I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,so I propose this compromise.You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big,but I won't object.However,in order to ensure your clothes don't come off during the course of your date with my daughter,I'll take my eletric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4:I'm sure you've been told that in todays world,sex is utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.Let me elaborate.When it comes to sex,I'm the barrier,and I will kill you.
Rule 5:It's usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,we should talk about sports,politics,and other issues of the day.Please don't do this.The only info I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.
Rule 6:I have no doubt you're a popular guy,many opportunities to date other girls.This is fine with me as long as it's ok with my daughter.Otherwise,once you've gone out with my little girl,you'll continue to date noone but her until she's finished with you.If you make her cry,I'll make you cry.
Rule 7:As you stand in my front hallway,waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by,don't sigh,and fidget.If you want to be on time for the movie,you shouldn't be dating.My daughter is putting on her makeup,a process that can take longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge.Instead of just standing there,why don't you do something useful,like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8: The following places aren't appropriate for a date with my daughter:Places where there are beds,sofas,or anything softer then a wooden stool.Places where there's darkness.Places were there's dancing,holding hands,or happiness.Places where the temperature's warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts,tank tops,midrifts,or anything but overalls,a sweater,and a goose down parka zipped up to her neck.Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;movies that have chainsaws are ok.Hockey games are ok.Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9:Don't lie to me.I may appear to be a potbelled,balding,middle-aged,dimwitted has-been.But on issues relating to my daughter,I'm the all-knowing,merciless God of your universe.If I ask where you're going and with who,you have 1 chance to tell me the truth,the whole truth and nothing but the truth.I have a rifle with me.
Rule 10:Be afraid.Be very afraid.It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway as a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi.When my agent orange starts acting up,the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.Speak the perimeter password,announce in a clear voice you've brought my daughter home safely,and early,then return to your car.There's no need for you to come in.The camouflaged face at the window is fine.

Chuck Norris Facts

If you spell Chuck Norris is scrabble,you win.forever. Chuck Norris can play Xbox live on a Sega Genesis. When playing Monopoly with Chuck Norris,you don't pass go,and you don't collect $200.You'll be lucky if you make it out alive. The Grim Reaper carries a scythe to protect himself from Chuck Norris.It won't work. A test group tested a new Chuck Norris game for Xbox kinect.Noone survived. Chuck Norris doesn't need a twitter.He's already following you. If a tree falls in the forest,does anyone hear it?Yes.Chuck Norris hears it.Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris once walked in a minefield.Nothing happened. Lays chips claims noone can eat just 1.Wrong.Chuck Norris ate 1,laughed,then ate a whole bag of Doritos. Chuck Norris can not only smell your fear,but also detects your dread,panic,and abject horror. Chuck Norris.....actually,there isn't an app for that. Chuck Norris isn't politically correct.He's just correct.Always. Never forget to capitalize Chuck Norris' name.You'll end up as small,and bent as the letters you write. The 1st rule of Chuck Norris is:You don't talk about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has never received an electric bill.He powers everything with his rage. Chuck Norris doesn't read,he just stares at the book until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books,the words assemble themselves out of fear. Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen tanks when scuba diving.He simply sucks all the life out of the ocean to breathe. Chuck Norris once starred in Wheel of Fortune.The last 29 minutes were spent in awkward silence waiting for the wheel to stop spinning. Chuck Norris killed his living room.It's now just "the room." Chuck Norris doesn't own a house.He walks into random houses,and people move. The A-Team is for people who can't afford Chuck Norris. Note to self:Don't be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired. The best burglar alarm is a picture of Chuck Norris outside your front door. What time is it when Chuck Norris knocks on your door?Time to die.