Dads' Rules

Rule 1:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,because you're not picking anything up.
Rule 2:Don't touch my daughter in front of me.You may glance at her so long as you don't peer at anything below her neck.If you can't keep your eyes or hands off my daughters' body.I will remove them.
Rule 3:I'm aware that it's considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hops.Please don't take this as an insult,but you,and all your friends are complete idiots.I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,so I propose this compromise.You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big,but I won't object.However,in order to ensure your clothes don't come off during the course of your date with my daughter,I'll take my eletric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4:I'm sure you've been told that in todays world,sex is utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.Let me elaborate.When it comes to sex,I'm the barrier,and I will kill you.
Rule 5:It's usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,we should talk about sports,politics,and other issues of the day.Please don't do this.The only info I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.
Rule 6:I have no doubt you're a popular guy,many opportunities to date other girls.This is fine with me as long as it's ok with my daughter.Otherwise,once you've gone out with my little girl,you'll continue to date noone but her until she's finished with you.If you make her cry,I'll make you cry.
Rule 7:As you stand in my front hallway,waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by,don't sigh,and fidget.If you want to be on time for the movie,you shouldn't be dating.My daughter is putting on her makeup,a process that can take longer then painting the Golden Gate Bridge.Instead of just standing there,why don't you do something useful,like changing the oil in my car?
Rule 8: The following places aren't appropriate for a date with my daughter:Places where there are beds,sofas,or anything softer then a wooden stool.Places where there's darkness.Places were there's dancing,holding hands,or happiness.Places where the temperature's warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts,tank tops,midrifts,or anything but overalls,a sweater,and a goose down parka zipped up to her neck.Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;movies that have chainsaws are ok.Hockey games are ok.Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9:Don't lie to me.I may appear to be a potbelled,balding,middle-aged,dimwitted has-been.But on issues relating to my daughter,I'm the all-knowing,merciless God of your universe.If I ask where you're going and with who,you have 1 chance to tell me the truth,the whole truth and nothing but the truth.I have a rifle with me.
Rule 10:Be afraid.Be very afraid.It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway as a chopper coming over a rice paddy near Hanoi.When my agent orange starts acting up,the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.Speak the perimeter password,announce in a clear voice you've brought my daughter home safely,and early,then return to your car.There's no need for you to come in.The camouflaged face at the window is fine.